A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The barman looks over and says "You're not going to start anything in here, mate!"

A fag walks into a straight bar. The bartender says, "Get out of here, I don't serve fags!" The fag asks, "Is it alright if I just sit in the corner?" The bartender accepts, and the fag sits in the corner. A few hours later, a cowboy walks in and says, "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls!" The fag calls over, "MOO!"

Three strings walk into a bar. The bartender throws them out, yelling "Can't you read the sign?! I don't serve strings." The strings try again, and again the bartender kicks them out. Finally, one of the strings gets the idea to mess himself up a little. He walks into the bar. The bartender scowls, "What's wrong with you? Can't you read? I don't serve strings!" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

A mushroom walks into a bar. He sits next to a beautiful woman and tries to pick her up. He gives her a few cheap lines, and she replies "Get out of here, I don't want nothing to do with you!" Then the mushroom says, "What's the matter? I'm a fun-gi!"

A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and said "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me." "And why not?" replied the guy. "Because I'm a lesbian." she replied. "Oh, so you're from Lebanon." "You don't know what a lesbian is, do you?" "No, I can't say I do." replied the guy.

"Let me try to explain." said the blonde. "You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long." She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably. "What's the matter with you?!" The guy slowly looked up at her and said "My GOD...I think I'm a lesbian, too!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several
hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself
away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go
home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself.
The ole' lady is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you
got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket.
When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some
guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry
cleaning. I do it all the time.

The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two
continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting
up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and
says, "Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a
skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have
you got to say for yourself?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me
and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my
front pocket."

She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills.

She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.  The
bartender approaches and says, "We don't  serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer.  The  bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now.  That was a barbitchyouate."

Depressed

A depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second drink. "No wonder you needed such a stiff drink. This one's on
the house."
As the man finished the second Scotch, the bartender asked, "So, what did you do?"
"Well, I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her we were through." The man continued, "Then, I told her to
pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"Good for you," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, 'Bad dog!'"


Hitman

A man walks into a pub, asking advice on a hitman to take out his wife. He was pointed in the direction of local simpleton named
Arty. He speaks to him and Arty said he will do the job for a £1. The man agrees so he tells Arty that she will be in tescos in the
morning wearing a red dress. The following day Arty sets off to tesco. He sees a girl in red stepping into the photo booth so he
slips in and strangles her, nobody sees him and he leaves. As he's leaving he sees another women in red buying cigarettes. So he
decides to strangle her just incase. This time he is seen and security wrestle him to the floor, then call the Police.
The man walks into the pub looking to pay Arty his £1 but he isn't there. He picks up the local paper and on the front page were the
headlines "Arty Chokes 2 for a pound in Tesco's"


Bad Taste

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.
"I want 6 shots of vodka," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on
this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?"
the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man
asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."


To Absent Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a
pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this
way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman
becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When
he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, '
he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!


Geordie

A Geordie on visit to London decides to have a drink in pub he is passing.
Once at the bar he tells the barman that he would like a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale. ''Sorry'' the barman replies ''We only sell
Whitbred Bitter'' ''Oh, Ill have a pint o' that then'' and he pulled up a stool to the bar.
As the barman hands him the pint he decides that he needs to go to the toilet, ''I need a piss, watch me pint will ya and divnt let any
wun tooch it, or i'll break there neck. I hate people touchin' me pint''
''Sure'' said the barman
The Geordie has only been gone for about 1 minute when a big black woman who had been sat in the corner, comes over to the
pint picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a care in the world.
The barman is sat there in disbelief. Just then in walks the Geordie still doing up his fly, just as he is about to pick up the pint he
stops and frowns, ''Sumwuns ad me pint!''
The barman stutters nervously ''I cannot lie, that black woman over there just farted in it''
The Geordie slammed the drink down and marched over the woman, ''Scuse me luv, you fart'n me Whitbred''
''No'' she replied ''I'm Tessa Sanderson''!!!!


Knot

A string went into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender looked him over and said, "You're a string aren't you?"
the string answered him, "Yes, i am." the bartender shook his head. "i'm sorry we don't serve your kind. You'll have to leave."
The string walked out and was standing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a second string came walking up. The first string
said, "Don't bother going in there. They don't serve our kind." The second string walked into the bar anyway.
He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender looked him over and said, "You're a string aren't you?"
the string answered him, "Yes, I am." the bartender shook his head. "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind. You'll have to leave."
The string walked out and stood on the sidewalk outside the bar with the first string. A third string came walking up. The first two
strings said, "Don't bother going in there. They don't serve our kind." The third string thought for a second. Then he twisted himself
around and walked into the bar.
He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender looked him over and said, "You're a string aren't you?"
the string answered him, "no. I'm a frayed knot."


Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a
beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the
man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in
the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife
in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!


Big Baby

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds
at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
said, "Had him circumcised."


Pint Of Guinness

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started
yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


Talented Hamster

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says
"You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender
says "Only if what you show me ain't
risqué." "Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it
runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano,
jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've
never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy
reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice
and great pitch, a fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes
the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some
kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"


Three Leroys

Three ladies, with boyfriends all named "Leroy" were at a bar when one of the ladies said, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up
with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy. Why don't we all name our Leroys after a soda pop? The other two ladies
agree, and the first lady jumps in and says, "OK, then, let me go first.....I name my Leroy '7-UP' !" The other two ladies jump in and
ask her, "Why 7-UP?" "Because my Leroy has 7 inches and it's always UP!" All three ladies holler and hoot and slap each other on
the back, when the second lady says, "OK, I'm next....and I name my Leroy 'Mountain Dew' !" The other two ladies ask, "Why
Mountain Dew?" "Because my Leroy can Mount and Dew me anytime!" All three ladies proceed to holler and hoot and slap each
other each other on the back. The third lady then stands back and starts thinking and says, "You know, those two Leroys were
good....but I'm gonna name mine Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison,
"Jack Daniels? that's not a soda pop....that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!"


A man, an ostrich, and a cat

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for
you?"
The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the
bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over
to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"
The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The
bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."
The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar
and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"
The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying."
So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.
The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have
the exact change in you pocket?"
The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact
change in my pocket for anything I buy."
The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will.
What were your other 2 wishes?"
The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."


Crying Horse

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the
rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him
free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry I will give you free
drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the
bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".


Mixed Drink

A girl goes into a bar.
She says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk,
and everybody in the bar fucks her.
The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Jack Daniel's."
He gives her a triple Jack Daniel's, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk,
and everybody in the bar fucks her again.
The next night, she walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple Tequila."
He says, "I thought you drank Jack Daniel's."
She says, "Not any more. Jack Daniel's makes my pussy sore."


Experienced Drinker

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell
the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of
the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yeergghhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"


Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool
table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he
measures everything first..."


Switch

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of
orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.


Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender
set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," the bartender said.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."


Cemetery

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the
edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in. There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the
night yelling, ''Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!''
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says,
''Of course you're cold, you stupid fucker! You kicked all the dirt off yourself.''


Weapon

A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is. So the guy goes to the toilet and he's there
pissing away when he looks to his left and sees a big guy come in. The guy pulls out his dick and it's huge. The guy goes over to a
urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to the sink, swings his massive cock and
smashes the sink in two, he then goes over to the toilet doors and smashes his cock off the door smashing it in half. He says to the
first man, "I'm gonna stick this up your ass!" The guy goes "Oh, thank God! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it."