Funny Text Messages

He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his hard disk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!

MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*

Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut!

be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart.for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top

Be friendly to your children as they are the ones that decide where you live when your are old.

Children playin outside cars can cause accidents.but adults playin inside cars can cause children by accident!

When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself why isn't he taken?

while w8ing 4 d right person 2 come- play & hav fun with d wrong 1.but b careful with who u play with bcoz dat person mite b d right 1 all along

If you fool me once shame on you.If you fool me twice shame on me.

Guys are like roses- watch out for the pricks

i once had a ONE-2-ONE night with a VIRGIN.She teased me till i got an ERICKSON.sucked me till my face went ORANGE till i busted my load of SEIMEN over her NOKIAS.

I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls can I have "U"?

Old chinese proverb says "man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok"

They say man with hand in bush not allways gardener. Man with tool in mouth not always dentist. Man who squirts cream in tart not always baker.

Fact: a woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in the pitch dark without looking, but can't park a 6ft car in a 10 ft space in daylight.

What sexual position do you have to be in to make the most ugliest kid?…. ask your parents

Movie Ratings explained: U: No body gets the girl, PG: the good guy gets the girl, 18: the bad guy gets the girl, x: everyone gets the girl

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point in time, contain intelligent DNA...... Unfortunately, 95% of them spit it out again!

What 2 things in the air can make a girl pregnant? HER FEET

i P3P33U X35 5I 7VJO i hUJOH O5 W,I 35V37d 3W d73H
Can you crack the code? No? ....... OK go back and turn the fone upside down!!

Question? Whats the similarity between a dick and a rubix cube?
Answer The more u play wiv them the harder they get

WOMEN'S PRAYER: As you lay me down to mate.I pray you don't prematurely ejaculate.But if you cum b4 I do I hope your tongue will see me through. Amen!!!

At the ultimate point of a woman's orgasmic climax what is her asshole normally doing?Drinking down the pub with his mates

A girl who opens her hands recieves gifts.who opens her heart recives love.who opens her legs recieves happenis

I met this prostitute who charges by the inch.no good to me but she'd be a cheep fuck for you!

Q:Why were hurricanes usualy named after women? A:Because when they arrive they are wet and wild.but when they go they take your house and the car.

whats the difference between licking pussy and getting mugged? When your licking pussy you see the cunt coming

Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun.Zippy got silly popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

Sex+drugs+rock+rave.lets get drunk & misbehav.on weed+speed+little e's.wel get drunk & talk2 trees.u only live once & den u die so fuck em all & lets get high

If the sea was vodka & I was a duck Id swim 2 the bottom & drink my way up!But the sea aint vodka & I aint a duck but im stil always drunk so who givs a fuck!

Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy.Is it d gin dat makes u slip in.Is it d rum dat makes u cum!

Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!

Whats the closest thing to a womans period?Your salary. It comes once a month.lasts About 3 or 4 days and if it doesnt come everythings fucked.

Virginity is like a balloon one prick and it's gone forever!

Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop you can't stop!!

Why is a woman like a bucket of KFC?Because once your past the tender breast and the juicey thigh all u have left is a greasy box to put your bone in!

if u were a drum id bang u.if u were a pig id pork u.if u were a flower id root u.if u were a nail id screw u.but cos ur a sweetie ill make love 2 u!

QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend? ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!

A mini's a mini a jag's a jag.but what is a kiss without a shag?

HOW MANY ANIMALS CAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS? 10 little piggies 2 calves 1 ass 1 pussy 1 beaver loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!

Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

I think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!

i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!

It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet.!

Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!

I'm @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks".i'm doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out-so hurry up!

i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life.John came fifth he won a toaster

A man can kiss his wife goodbye.A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2.If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window... I look down & den... i lauf again

Evrything abt u is perfect - ur lips, ur skin, ur eyes, ur body. Perfect! Ur lucky to be born beautiful, not like me, who was born to be a big liar.

We 'click' 2geder coz u tink im nice & i tink ur nice. U tink im cool & i tink ur cool. U tink im kind & i tink ur kind. u tink im cute & i tink ur RIGHT!

If Love cn b avoided by simply closing our eyes, den I wudnt blink at all 4 i dnt want 2 let a second pass having fallen out of love with you...

LaSt NiGhT i hUgGeD mY pIlLoW aNd DrEaMt oF yOu... I wIsH tHaT sOmEdAy I wOuLd DrEaM aBoUt My PiLlOw AnD i'D bE hUgGiNg YoU."

When I say gud morning, dat means I'm thinking of you. When I say take care, dat means I care for you. When I say and cute mo, antok lang ako.

wen u fil dat nodoby luvs u.. dat nobody cares.. wen all u can do is cry n walk away bcoz evryone is against u... then u are the weakest link! GOODBYE!!!

A KISS can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point... So don't dare 2 kiss me co'z I might get crazy!!!!

u sed pls dnt cry, i sed its olryt.. u sed pls dnt liv me, i sed wen did i? u sed il go nw, i ask wr wd u go? u sed m luving sme1, i ask hu? u sed - its not u.. kala ko ako.

Y do i txt u? It's my choice. It's my way f saying i rmmbr u. Y do i rmmbr u? It's my choice. It proves dat i care. Y do i care? Dnt knw. It's not my choice. It's my heart's.

sm1 once asked me,"hav u evr folen n luv?" den i answrd "of course..mny tyms" den dey gave me anoder qstion, "did it hurt?" i thot of u & told dem "yes..very mch".

gusto ko na benta cellfone ko... lam mo ba??? gusto ko hagis, durugin at tadyakan ang cellfone ko... lam mo ba??? gusto ko na panakaw ito... alam mo ba???? maloloka na ko sa pag-intay ng text mo... alam mo ba??? paano mo malalaman eh nakatingin ka sa iba!!!!!

I h8 u wen u smyl at me coz u make me crazy about u. i h8 u wen u talk 2 me coz u make me run out of words, i h8 u wen i c u coz u mke me luv u more,.....

It was a simple crush, done and over with, then you looked at me."

"The smell of a woman should stay with you. The smell of a man should come to you as you go to him and leave you with only a memory, not a headache."

How dare you come along this way and turn my hardened heart to clay?"

Falling in love is when he lays in your arms and wakes up in your dreams." What a joke!

Each day God sends angels to guide us. Don't xpect 2 see them with wings n flying around bcoz dey com in disguise! Pa-txt -txt lang lang sila. Ehemmm.

May color coding din ako sa mga katxt ko para organized. MONDAY-sweet, TUESDAY-mabait, WEDNESDAY-gorgeous, THURSDAY-pangit, FRIDAY-cute, SATURDAY-frendly, SUNDAY-smart. Pano next thursday txt ulit kta.

Pag may distinction, I greet my cute frends HELLO & my funny-looking frends HI... Actually, I just want 2 greet u GOODNIGHT and to say HI.

While walkng down da street i heard an old man say "iv been in luv w/ da same woman 4 almost 54 yrs..." i was touchd den i heard him say... " i wish she knew..."

U can buy gifts but not love. u can pretend smile but not hapines, u can lie to others but not 4 urself, u can have another friend one but not as cute as ME!!

I had a dream about u. Nasa heaven daw tayo w/ a cute angel, my angel was ugly, so tampo ko. I asked St. Peter y cute angel mo. He replied: "Balance of nature".

Whenever I hear people say something bad about u, like when they say that you are not cute enough, I would always come to your defense and say "she's trying to be one naman a!"

They say texting while walking is stupid, and texting while driving is more stupid, but if u don't have txtmates, ur d most stupid. So text me please!

Every ten seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

If ur lyk my pillow, u r huggable. If ur lyk my celfon, u r smart. If u r lyk my chocolate, u r sweet. If u r lyk me… grabe, ang cute mo naman!

If in time u just want to give up n fall. Go ahead for I will catch u. But if again u fall, I will just tap u on your shoulders n say "Lika nga d2..d na kta bibitiwan. :)

I saw someone at d Mall, So Cute, Smart, Looking, Simple Elegant & Luks Like a Celebrity. Kainis Paglapit Ko Nauntog Ako. Salamin Pala!

If ur not cute don't continue reading dis.... Naks! yan ang gusto ko sayo eh, lakas ng fighting spirit mo! O pumipindot pa! lupit mo!

Little bird in d sky dropped a POOPOO in my eye,i didn't scream, i didn't cry,just thanked God dat cows don't fly,bcoz it myt cover d CUTE face of mine.

Yesterday is history.... Tomorrow is a mystery.... Today is a gift.... That's why its called the present!

Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Sumtyms wen u cry,no 1 sees ur tears. Wen ur worid, no 1 sees ur pains. Wen ur hapu, no 1 sees ur smyl. But try to fart, n you'll have the eyes of everyone.

Happiness keeps u sweet. Trials make u strong. Sorrows keep u human. Failure keeps u humble. Success makes u eager. And Lipovitan keeps u going.

Someday, ull 4get about me.my name,my voice,who iam and who iam to you.but even if u 4get me.i just want u 2 know...ang lumimot sa kin PANGET!

HELP! nasa presin2 ako nahuli ka c ako wyl i was wokng kanina. d charge was posesin of cute face. ihad no choice but 2 plid guilty. lakas ng ebidensya nila e!

money wil buy a bed but not sleep, fud but not appetite, amusement but not hapines..u c money s not evrything, Der4, f u hav 2 much, pls send it 2 me ASAP! -")

If only im an angel..i'l protct u i'l lend u my wings i'l watch ovr u ..but im not an angel...pero...may hawig..dba?

Girls are like celfones, they like to be held & talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected. Guys are like buses...if you miss that one, another will be along soon.

A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did d priest tell u 2 b so romantic like this? Husband: No, he told me 2 carry my cross.

I want 2 b w/ u tonight, watch u sleeping & sing u a song. I want 2 b so close 2 u 2 whisper in ur ear... Goodnight & sleep tight... Sender: LAMOK: 63919zzzzzzz

I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby. Now that you're a grown-up, I have one question..... What happened???

What do you do when you see an extremely cute person? Ako, i stare at the person and smile, but when i get tired, i just put the mirror down, nakakangawit eh!

NEWSFLASH: Policemen saving a woman who appears to be jumping off a building. POLICEMAN: Bumaba ka dyan maraming nagmamahal sa yo! WOMAN AT THE EDGE: Wag kayo makialam, di ako makapag -send!

Der r times you're afraid, times you're confused, times you feel lonely, times you start to cry, times u start to laugh... ABA! PADOKTOR KA BaKA NABABALIW KA NA!!!

I'm thinking of u. I want to be with u. I am longing for u. I have a crush on u. I want to hug and kiss u. I love u. Ikaw, love mo rin ba ang letter u?

If they say GOOD LOOKS could KILL, then please don't look at me! I don't wanna see you die!

Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Kasi sabi nila cute daw ako kapag naiinis ako! Kaya, Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!

I saw my friend at the 17th floor, magpapakamatay. I asked him why, he says that he gotta crush on you. Shit! So I decided to push him. Nakatulong ako... nabawasan pa ang bulag sa mundo!

kahit NISSAN ka STAREX ka ng buhay ko, masKIAnong mangyari, HONDA kitang pagMAZDAn at SUZUmpang SUZUKIlian ka ng buong katapatan. DODGE what friends are FORD!

anong animal ang hindi sigurado? eh di BAKA! ano naman ang pinutol? e di CAT! e ano naman and laging ayos? e di OX! ano ang laging nauuntog? e di DOG! e ano naman ang pangit? e di COW!

If i were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=ME!

Naglalakad Nagtetxt Nasagasaan PATAY! Kumakain NAgtetxt Nabilaukan PATAY! Nagdadrive NAgtetxt NAbangga PATAY! May celfon Walang Nagtetxt NAGPAKAMATAY!

5 reasons why i keep texting you: 1.) you made me fell welcome (i assume)
2.) you made me smile (thats true) 3.) you appreciate my thoughts (i hope) 4.) you spend time reading my messages(i guess) 5.) hindi ako kuripot!

Smile is the secret to stay young and cute. Naks, bakit ka nakangiti?

What is in your eyes that made me look at you the second time? what is it in your eyes that made me smile and say... sabi na nga ba MUTA YAN! hilamos ka!

Just got my medical exam results. malala na ang sakit ko, everyday lalo akong GUMAGANDA at wala raw gamot dito. But don't worry dahil di daw nakakahawa, you're safe.

When you feel like nobody loves you and nobody cares for you and when you feel like everyone is ignoring you... Wala yun! Ubos na kasi ang load niya!

I live a very difficult life. im always hurt! Whenever people call me CUTE, GOOD LOOKING, SMART & LOVABLE, I'm always hurt! Totoo pala, the TRUTH HURTS!

I'm so sorry for not telling you this before. You oughta know how smart, cute, witty, sweet, charming, alluring and wonderful you are!... I didn't know I've influenced you that much!