Superhero

One day superman is bored. He thinks to himself, "I'll go and find someone to hang out with".. He spots Spiderman, "Hey Spidey, wanna hang out a bit?" "Nah, sorry", says spidey, "I got things to do" So he flys around and spots Batman and Robin. "Hey guys, wanna hang out?" 
" Nah, sorry, we're pretty busy" they reply Feeling really down and defeated he flys some more and thinks there has got to be SOMEBODY to hang out with! All of a sudden he flys by Wonder Woman's window and sees her laying naked on her bed with her arms and legs open. Superman gets this brilliant idea! I know! Being that I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can go in there and have some fun and she'd never know who it was! So superman quickly flys into Wonder Woman's woman, has his way with her and flys out faster than the speed of light! Wonder Woman exclaims. "What the hell was that??!?!?!" I don't know says Invisible Man, but my arse sure hurts........ 


The Ladies Room

A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR".
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.
The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."


Desert

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle.
It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be an Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "Okay, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."
***POOF***
The Arab is turned into a Tampax. 
The moral of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached!


Desert Island

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies… The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn’t handle it anymore so they buried her. 


Ventriloquist

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"


Manhole

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!" 
Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it." 
Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly. 
The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder." 
So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen! Seventeen!" 
The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole. 
The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen! Eighteen!"


What would you wish for

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.


Square Balls

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)!
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, 165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again 
and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet"
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The 
little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."


Tracker 

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. 
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. 
The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." 
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? 
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!" 


Elevator Smell

A woman was alone in an elevator when she suddenly farted. She quickly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with deodorizer. Two floors later, a bloke got in the elevator and began to sniff around. "Do you smell something"? asked the lady bashfully. "Yeah I do" replied the bloke. "What does it smell like"? the lady asked reddening. "I'm not sure but it sorta smells like someone crapped in a pine tree."


Murphys Nails

Murphy owned a nails manufacturing factory. He decided to give things a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an ad for TV. Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new ad would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during "NYPD Blue". Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the ad. The ad came on and the camera zoomed in on a grassy field and there was lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of a hill. At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of a cross. It slowly moved up the cross... to reveal Jesus on the cross. It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through the hands. A voice then said, "Always use Murphy's nails". Murphy and his friends were appalled. Next day all newspapers and media chat shows were discussing the tasteless and irreverent ad for Murphy's nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped. Murphy rang the advertising agency in despair and asked them to change the ad. Three weeks later they rang saying there would be a new ad the following night. Murphy got all his friends in again. The ad came on as before, the camera focused on the grass, same background music. "Shit, I'm ****ed,” says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to a cross, moving up this time there was no one on the cross. The camera looked off into the distance.... and there was Jesus legging it across the fields. A voice rang out, "They should have used Murphy's nails!"


Elevator

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?"
Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The black giant looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The white guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said "Turn around!!'"


Swimming Contest

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. 
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. 
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. 
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. 
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some arsehole puts a swimming cap on me!"


Pirate

An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring." 
So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself. 
"How did you loose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.
"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swung around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.
"OK", said the clerk, "How did you loose your hand?"
"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."
The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost your eye?"
"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shit in me eye."
"You don’t loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.
"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried. 


Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"


Irish Wife

At the 1998 World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


Language Problem

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." 
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella "Mississippi"!

Restroom

Bob goes into the pub restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms; As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says 'OK, sure, I'll help you.' 
The man asks 'Can you unzip my zipper?' 
Bob says OK. 
Then the man says 'Can you pull it out for me?' 
Bob replies " yeah, OK". Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. 
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. 
The guy tells Bob 'Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.' 
Bob says 'No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?' 
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says 'I don't know, but I ain't touching it.' 


Custer's Last Thoughts

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those fucking Indians!' "


Clever Midget

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges 
the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, 
"Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!" 


Crashing Supermodels

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. 
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!" Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up." 
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing my tits!" 
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her "love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"


The Pope And The Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of 
my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering and going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of 
my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope head butts her.


Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. 
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" 
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. 
She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" 
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. 
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push??" 
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." 
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" 
The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing---- "


Dead Hick

Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag 
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


Funeral Plans

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time." 


Get A Little Head

There was once this man who used to go this bar at the end of the street every night. One day this guy went he saw this enormous man with all these muscles but with this puny head. After staring at the guy for over 5 hours he decided to go ask how this happened. He went over and began to ask. Hi man I don't mean any harm but how did you get all those muscles but that small head. The man began his confession. Ounce long ago I was in the marines on this top secret mission but the submarine had gotten sunk. Luckily I washed up on this beach. As I was walking along the beach I saw a mermaid. I spoke to her and she said Oh my! Someone has finally found me I will grant you 3 wishes. First the man said I want to be super strong and have all sorts of muscles POOF! Wow that was cool Second I want to be the smartest man in the world POOF WOW! I know everything. Third he was like well man I haven't had sew in years I want you to have hot naked sex with me. The mermaid replied! I cant do that. So he said "HOW ABOUT A LITTLE HEAD" POOF


Car Accident

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. 
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" 
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, 
"There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"


Feel Like A Woman

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman" he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."


Genie In The Lamp

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"


Buying Tampons

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar."
Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."
She said "That can't be right!"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."


Arseholes

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for. 
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." 
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba. "The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes." 
"What? He had two arseholes?", said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew it. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes..."


Chemist's Bad Day

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. 
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"


Computer Terms

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model. 
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Polish Indian

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. 
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" 
He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You."


The Rescue

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. 
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. 
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, " I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." 
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback....."


Translating Hebrew

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. 
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

Waiter

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the
waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off
the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our
hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to
get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!!"


Just One Wish

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his buttock. "If you don't
mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."
"I don't understand," said the other.
The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man
in a turban came oozing out.
He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
So I said, "No shit."


Scuba

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world, diving 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with
no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15
more feet, and sure enough, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"


Party trick

A guy is drinking tequila at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant, high above the city. He grabs a shot, drinks it, goes over to a window
and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was even more surprised
when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.
Astonished, the guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!".
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila
makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The
other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A
few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the
bottom, he doesn't slow down at all... splat.
The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."


Clever Kid

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by
carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."


Shopping

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of
bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items
in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly
unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."


Peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips
through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her
nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.
"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."


Breakfast

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read, "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress
brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken?... Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider
eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.


Practical

Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one
asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead
right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."


Salesman of the Year

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you
have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave
him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got
through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says,
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says,
"$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I
sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at
the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that
4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing"


Advice

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and
says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."


Choking

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged,
one Texan turn to the other and said, "that little gal is havin a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help her."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she
shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping,
she again shook her head no. With that , he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt. The young lady
was so shocked that she coughed up the
piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."


Question

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your
pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm, " he replies. "It must be your feet, then."


Sign of the Times

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again
where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."