Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter...
...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. 
"£50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. 
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I'll make you a partner in your firm if you give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your three kids, and you agree to sell every one of your clients down the river."
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die.  At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money.  At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.  The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.  I only put £20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full £30,000 in the coffin either.

Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you.  When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full £30,000."

A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise.  A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye.  For some
reason, this curio fascinates him and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
"How much for this?", he asks.
"I'd think twice about getting that if I were you.  Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it,"  says the proprietor.
"Why?"
"I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it."
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item.  He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home.  As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him.  Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path.
"That's odd", he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster.

A few minutes later, he turns around again and this time there are 3 dozen rats following him!  He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats!  Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder... Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now he begins to panic.  He looks at the figurine in his hand and it dawns on him what's going on.  He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront.  When he reaches the harbour, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water.  Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop.  The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
"You didn't bring it back??" he inquires.
"No, I've just one question.  Do you have one which is shaped like a lawyer?"

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds
himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter
runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating
the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be
forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time
sheets."

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern
angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly
said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let
in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with
the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building
improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning,
flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a
pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down
there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the
staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things
are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or
I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and
said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot
tall."

A woman went to her doctor for advice.  She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a
good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.  She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course.  Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which
provided them their food.  Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the
top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my
eyes! I don't believe this is true!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're
hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend
that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed
toward their island.  The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his
friend had surely lost his mind.  But, within a few minutes up to the
beach floated a  naked blonde woman, faceup, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know,
we've been on this island for months now without a woman.  It's been a
long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out
of what?"

Getting Out of A Ticket

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


Smart-Ass Cop

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, ''I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me."


Good Example

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big
circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison... "


Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder, had spent 25 years of his life in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and tied his wife to the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom... Be strong ... and...I love you


Cops in the Bar

There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie.
One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest grin on his face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?"
He tells them, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time."
The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great."
The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick and she shit in my face!"


Test

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."