How many Essex girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't really matter - Essex girls will screw anything...

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.

How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages
state only "This page intentionally  left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------  consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot
the witness.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.

How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. They are just about small enough to fit inside.

How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really one.

How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a
light bulb?
Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a
tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned- out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high
wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we
escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
United States.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two:  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
suprising twist at the end.

How many civil servants does it take to  change a light bulb?
45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

How many consultants does it take to  change a light bulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3.  1 to screw it in, 1 to lecture on how the light bulb is being oppressed,
and 1 to secretly wish she were the light bulb.

How many systems programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. you'll never find one who'll admit it went down in the first place.

How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, to heal the old light bulb.

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Into what?

How many Chico State engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Avg. Engineer = 130 pounds
Avg. Engineer can lift 1/2 body weight over his head
130/2=65 Pounds
Avg. Light bulb = 4 oz. = .25 Pounds
(1 Eng/65 pounds) * (.25 pounds) = 0.0038 engineers to change a bulb.

How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
21. One to change the bulb and 20 to shoot down the electrician.

How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Microsoft declare that darkness comes as a standard with Windows 2000.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old
one for the next 10,000 years.

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change
the bulb.

How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it
crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).