A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time
in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened,
she decided to tell Little Johnny.  Little Susie dropped her
panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he
said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped
your balls off!"

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked, "Why the fuck didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car. The stranger says "Psssssst! Hey kid!"
"Yeah?" replies Johnny. And the stranger says, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car." Little Johnny replies, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.
After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"
The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30... and he's home by 3:45!"

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD" A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet... full of change.

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. Obviously his best friend little Benny wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: "I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom. I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says "I want a watch.". The dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a noise."

Little Johnny walked into his classroom one sunny morning, wearing only one glove. The teacher, a little confused, asked him what it was all about. Little Johnny explained, "Well ma'am, I was watching the weather programme on the T.V. this morning and the Weatherman said that it was going to be sunny today, but on the other hand it could get quite cold."

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one!" declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one!" stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So? Don't fucking give him one!" said Little Johnny's mother.

One day, Little Johnny wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (thud, thud, thud). He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this." Johnny reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes. Johnny starts to climb the stairs, (thud, thud, thud) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries.

"No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Johnny reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told. Johnny climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Johnny, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son.  But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?"
Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."
"Thats very nice," said the teacher,"Robert, what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"Thats very nice," said the teacher ,"Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important,gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do.  All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie.  You can go." Johnny was MAD.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right Mary.  You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut." The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President."

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'"
Little Johnny: "I is..."
Teacher: "No, Little Johnny. Always say 'I am.'"
Little Johnny: "All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect".
"Great." said the teacher. Michael got up and said "My Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife". "Good." said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said:  "My Mommy, she is a substitute". Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a Prostitute."
"No." Said Johnny, "My Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge" she replies and sends Johnny out to play. A few moments later, Johnny returns and tells his mother he think she's found her sponge "Oh really," his mum asks Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddies face with it"

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" the child asks. "That, son, is the elephant's penis." replied his father. "Mummy said it was nothing," the child then said. "Your mother's spoilt, Son."

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some condoms. The chemist puts a pack of condoms on the counter. Johnny looks at the condoms and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?"
"Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What's wrong?" His mother said. "Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny's mother started. "...Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."
"I did!" Johnny said. "I did!"

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

Little Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little Johnny received a quiet reprimand.
After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is that wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Little Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.  Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the
bed."

To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny, this is where you come from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.  First, she called on  little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.  "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.  His mother was
Jewish and his father was black.  So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or
more black?"

"What does it really matter?  If you want to know for sure you'll just have to
ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same
question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What kind of a question is that?  Why do you want to know if you're more
Jewish of black?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad...  Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for £50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to £25, or wait until its
dark and steal the fucking thing."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of
Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over
their hearts and repeat after him.  He looked around the room as
he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the
right cheek of his buttocks.

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over
your heart."

Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over
his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your
heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up,
pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma
wouldn't lie."

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did
you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know
what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him
a £200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a
£80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait
until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the
mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other
time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with
all his
belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why
he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and
I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should
wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a
£80,000 mortgage!"