Do you get out of the bath to go to the toilet?
No need - I bathe in the toilet.

Do you like my new jacket?
It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though.

Do you take the washing-up out of the sink before you piss into it?
No. Nor after.

Do you want to know why I'm feeling sad?
There's no reason, you're just sad.

Haven't I seen your face before - on a police poster?
Look who's talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to get out.

Hey, you're not much of a looker, but I'll have you.
Thanks. You must be very open-minded. Was that how your brain slipped out?

I love your crazy hair - it looks like you've got grass growing out of it.
That's odd - I planted tulips.

I may be a bit of an eyesore, but beauty is only a light switch away.
You owe me a drink: you're so ugly I dropped my glass when I saw you.

I think the sun shines out of your arse.
Well, you're living proof that even a turd can be polished.

I've forgotten your name but I'll never forget your face. I'm reminded of it every morning when I hop on the back of the bus.
Why would you hop on a bus? Wouldn't it be easier to use both legs?

Let's be honest with each other . . . we've both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you're right. Let's go and pull some girls.

May I have a drag on your fag?
That's ironic - actually I am a fag in drag.

Mind if I plug my laptop into your modem socket?
Isn't amazing how small they can make them, these days?

Most guys are like public toilets; either vacant, engaged or full of crap. Which are you?
Er, could you repeat the question?

Please talk to me so that creep over there will leave me alone.
I just said that to someone about you.

Sorry if I'm dribbling, but I had to get drunk before I could come and talk to you.
It's funny how pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What happened to your face? Do you step on rakes for a hobby?
No, I impersonate you.

What would you say is my best feature?
Your ornamental pond.

Would you go crazy if I went out with you for a couple of months and then left you?
I'd go crazy if you went out with me for a couple of months and didn't leave.

You and me would look sweet together on a wedding cake.
Only once you'd been cut in half.

You bring me out in a hot sweat.
You bring me out in an allergic rash.

You don't sweat much for a fat lass.
I will when I start running away from you.

You look like you haven't changed your shirt in a fortnight.
That's impossible - I've only had it a week.

You make me drunk with passion, intoxicated with love, and inebriated with desire.
Are you absolutely sure it's got nothing to do with the ten pints you've drunk tonight?

You make me melt like ice cream, you make me boil like a kettle, and you make me gurgle like the morning after a curry.
You need medical attention.

Your face is familiar - I might even say commonplace.
Yours must have been limited edition - limited because no one else wanted one like it.

You're just my type - you're a girl.
I'm just my type as well, I'm afraid.

You're very attractive even though if you were any more vacuous your head would implode.
If you were a little bit more intelligent you'd still be stupid.

You've got everything a man could want: teeth, hair, moustache . . .
All I lack is your charm and subtlety.