Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and
he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is
a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...
of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...
AND a brain?"

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I am
the bearer of bad news" she said as she surveyed the worried  faces,
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for
the brain yourselves."  The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news.

After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5000 for a male brain, and £200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group
said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.  We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've been used."

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the
   correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's
   right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7-11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the
   highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away
    from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting
    this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19. takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your
    sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.

Men Are Like...

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food
on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but
otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but
that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that
bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get
the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep
up your legs.