On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a £20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A business executive named Witherspoon went on a convention and
took along his secretary. They arrived at the hotel very late in
the evening and were told that all the rooms were taken except one,
and it was a single. "No problem," replied Mr. Witherspoon, "just put a cot
in there for me and we'll share the room.

A few moments after Mr. W. and the secretary had gotten into their respective beds,
the secretary sheepishly asked, "Mr. Witherspoon, it's awfully cold tonight,
would you mind getting up and shutting the window?" The boss replied,
"Well, let's see, if you're cold, how would you like to pretend that you're
MRS. Witherspoon tonight?" "Oh, Mr. Witherspoon, I'd love to!"
"Good! Then YOU get up and shut the window!"

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked
why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold
Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments
remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a
shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she
sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident."

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.

The boy started off

"Hi, my name's Chuck "..... and the farmer shot him.

After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to
use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam.  You
don't know me, but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.  I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it!!"  Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.  The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.   Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
eh...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"  Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.  It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.  Madam? Madam? ...

Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by
the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you
ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back
up."Have you found Jesus?" he asked.

"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then
dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother,
have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this
time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My good man,  have you found Jesus YET?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"

An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats. ''Sorry, sir," the usher said, "but you're only allowed one seat.''

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient and said, ''Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, "All right buddy," the manager said, ''what's your

name?'' ''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where did you come from, Sam?''

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, ''The balcony.''

Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as
to the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had
only one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "one feather, one
squaw."

She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking.  This
brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He  replied,  "Four feathers,
four squaws."

Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the  number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had
a headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

Ms. W:  "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

Chief:  "Me Chief,  fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, fuck-em all."

Ms. W:  "You ought to be hung!"

Chief:  "Damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. W:  "You don't have to be so hostile!"

Chief:  "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style,  fuck-em all."

Ms. W:  "Oh, dear!"

Chief:  "No deer.  Bum too high, run too fast."

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks in line behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go
to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better
idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!  AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD...get your own darn blanket!!!"

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench
and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available
teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three
times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed
up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine but
each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though, the
bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism."

As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says
"Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!"

Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a
bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about
the accident at the bank.

A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears
streaming from her eyes.

"Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess.
You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you
know?"

The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the
bank.

A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad
thing!"

"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"

"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be
replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th'
by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd
from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it
ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus, and one of them was smoking a cigarette.

It started to rain. So one of the old ladies reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms. Nevertheless, he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam.

She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up,
except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's
immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can
write with your other hand."

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not
long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's
the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're Privates,"
protests Jasper."We're Sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's
Privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his
stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty
soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to
screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what "gonorrhoea" means. If
it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay
sign. Three weeks later, Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a
terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the
okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only
the privates. " He points to his stripes.. . .
"But we're Sergeants now!"

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well
but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he
thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign
and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they
see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in
this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off
and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that
the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field.
He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign
next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look.

It says,"Now there are two".

Bubba pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd
first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree.  I remember the day plainly.  It was a
warm summer day.  She and I were so much in love.  We walked down to the tree
and made love for hours," Bubba recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

"Yes.  It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right
there watching us."

"Oh my God!!!  What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her
daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."

A modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last
tests has left his system upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest
was another and stayed put.

He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything
he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and
threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the
soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who
had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that
all about?

Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a
ghost!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the
lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer tube."


The man immediatly reaches into his pocket and produces a doctors note. On
it is written, "This man suffers from terrible asthma, please don't make him
perform any action that'll leave him short of breath."

The officer says, "Okay, I need you to come and give a blood sample.

Straight away, them man produces another letter. This one reads, "This man
is a hamophiliac [note spelling, Doris], please do not cause him to bleed in
any way."

So the officer says, "Right, I need a urine sample, then."

The man produces a third letter: "This man plays for the English Cricket
Team, please don't take the piss out of him."

President Clinton was looking for a call girl and he found three
such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States of
America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."

To the Redhead he asked the same question.  She replied "I will
spend all the time you want for $1,000."

When he approached the brunette he asked the same question, she
said, "if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, and get
your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as
hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public,
believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm.  Not
speaking a word of Swedish, and not wishing to appear out of place, they
sat behind an important looking man.  When he stood up or knelt down,
they did the same.

At the end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an
announcement, whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his
feet, and they did likewise - to a roar of laughter from the
congregation.

As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so
they asked him the reason for the laughter.

"Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a
baptism...  and would the father of the child please stand up."

An old geezer pulled over alongside a deserted country
side road because he was having engine troubles with his
old pickup truck. He lifted the front hood of the pickup to take
a look at the problem.

A few minutes later, the old geezer noticed another pickup
off in the distance. He watched with caution as it approached,
and swerved from one side of the road to the next.

Soon, the pickup came to a stop alongside the old geezer.
He acknowledged the three Indians who were sitting across
the front seat of the pickup, "Good day, friends."

One of the Indians asked, "What's the problem?"

The old geezer remarked, "Piston broke."

The three Indians replied, "So are we!"

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling
like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, £100 an ounce!" Another
young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to
the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, £150 an ounce!" About
three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves,
looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns squeezes out a
fart......"Broccoli - 49 pence a pound!"

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The
instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the
woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having
an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids.

An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal. On his
first night his obliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where
he is given his choice of women. He retires to a room, he climbs aboard
and gives his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves.

On his way out, he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic,
absolutely brilliant. But tell me one thing - on every downstroke, she'd
scrunch up her face and yell "WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !".  It was
amazing.

Tell me, ma'am, what does it mean?" The madam seems embarrassed, but
manages to tell the man that the word means "very good". Happy, the man
goes to his hotel.

The next day his hosts take him golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese
host hits an amazing drive down the middle of the fairway which bounces
twice on the green and trickles into the hole  for a perfect ace. The
Australian turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI ! WARAMAKAZI !"

His host turns to him and says," What do you mean, wrong Hole?"

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led
down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden,
and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden,
turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you
please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked,
"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent
gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night
during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the
way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your
waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,
I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your
hearing!"

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out
to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your
stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me,
I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some
Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" So the Englishman replied,
"Very sporting of your mother."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short
skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please."
the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath
her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a
small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same
direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb
up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and
fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices
an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk
yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But its startin' to twitch."

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll
display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what
you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his
father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around
slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your
father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and
says, "Oh my god! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are
living with a couple of whores."

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that
goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right
down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do
with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get... screwed."

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured
hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of
leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face
and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earrings are big, bright
feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old
man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you
looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in
the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had sex with a parrot. I
thought maybe you were my son."

Santa was very cross. It was Xmas Eve and nothing was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.  The elves were complaining
about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To
make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out earlier and had
crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious.  "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions
of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer
are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and
he isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from
the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.  He says, "Yo, fat man!
Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?." 
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

The seating arrangements on a flight put a timid little guy in a
window seat next to a big Texan who's in the aisle seat.  After the
plane takes off, the Texan quickly falls asleep.  Pretty soon the
little guy starts to get air-sick but is afraid to wake up the Texan
so he can get to the rest-room.  Before he gets a chance to make up
his mind, his stomach makes it up for him and he suddenly barfs all
over the Texan. He is horrified and immediately begins to worry about
what the Texan will do to him when he wakes up.  The Texan finally
awakens, looks down at the mess on himself, looks over at the little
guy and starts to frown.  The little guy , with deep concern showing
in his voice, quickly asks "Sir, are you feeling better now ?"

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful
blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologised for his bad language. "That's okay," the
blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to
lose my fucking car."

A woman is walking down the street when she sees an advert in the
window which reads, "Good Home Wanted for Clitoris Licking Frog."
This woman can't believe the ad but goes in to ask.
There is a young boy behind the counter. She walks in and asks him,
"I've come about the Clitoris Licking Frog."
The young guy smiles and replies, "Oui, Madame."

This nun walked into a liquor store. She walked up to the cashier and said,
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street,
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.  The cashier called
out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare -
the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because
he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.  The father assures the son that Auntie Susie
is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.  The son this time
says that he had dreamt that granddad had died.
The father assures the son that granddad is fine and sends him to bed. The next day,
granddad dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time
says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.  The father assures the son that he is
OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so
terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.  He doesn't
eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.  He avoids everyone for he is sure
he will somehow be killed.  He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and
hides under his desk for safety. Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep
this morning".

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second
hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it
and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him
to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't
know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in
his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las
Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you
think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings
and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog
did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old
girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded
that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"
snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"
"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drillin' rights!

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in fuck of
hitting her from here!"

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his
breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there
is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the
morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony
crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog."
Hank said, "My God! Was he fuckin' mad?"
Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly fuckin' overjoyed."

The pilot of a plane was getting ready to take off. He announced over the
intercom all the usual stuff but he forgot to turn it off. The co-pilot
then asks him how he is holding up.
He replies, "I could use a blowjob and a cup of coffee." The flight attendant
then goes running up front to tell him the intercom is on, when someone yells
out, "Don't forget the coffee."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at
the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching
a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous truck
full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to
yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go
away." -- and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little
Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is
getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back,
shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke I don't want them!", then slams
the door in his face again. 
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock
on the door again.  Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the
same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are
TWO large trucks full of car windscreens.
Nelson loses his  temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front
and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have
the wrong name! Why do you want to give these to me?" The little Chinese man
looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan
Maindealer?"

Okay, this bloke decides to have a fancy dress party, and so invites his three best friends. 
His first mate turns up and is wearing a red tomato. The host says "Why have you come like
that?" and the guest says "I'm red with anger."
The second bloke turns up dressed as a green pepper.  The host again inquires why.   "I'm
green with envy." says the guest. "okaaay.." says the host.
The third bloke turns up butt naked with his nob in a bowl of custard.   "why...?" says the host,
"I'm fuckindiscustard!" he replies.

Britain surely is a nice place...

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in Britain...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in Britain...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in Britain...do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in Britain...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain...do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."