Rude Text Messages

The grand old duke of york. He had ten thousand men, And when he had the energy he had them all again

jack and jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills fanny but poor jacks gob was filled with knob cause jills a fucking tranny.

Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you twat i live in a flat so how the fuck do i know.

spider spider on the wall.u think ur smart u know fuck all.ur on a wall dats just been plastered.now ur stuck u stupid bastard!

miracles of a woman.Getting wet without taking a shower.Bleeding without getting hurt.Giving milk without eating grass and making boneless flesh hard.

5 reasons not 2 b a penis 1)ur bald ur entire life 2)both ur naybors r nutz 3)an arsehole lives b’hind u 4)ur bestm8s a cunt 5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!!

3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on ur cock: 1- U can play wiv ur money 2- U can see ur money grow 3- Ur girl can blow as much money as she wants

U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF 1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long 2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss 3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo

Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of shit!

5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

3 reasons not 2 b an egg 1)it takes 6 minutes to get hard 2)u only get laid once 3)the only person 2 sit on ur face is ur mother!

Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son.

Mary had a little lamb its coat was full of fleas and what more is that the little cunt had foot and mouth disease

Old mother Hubbard went 2 d cupboard 2 fetch d poor dog a bone.but when she bent over Rover took over & gave her a bone of his own!

little miss druggy sat in her buggy smoking an ounce of weed along cam a spider skinned up beside her and sold her a kilo of speed

little jack horner satin his corner licking his girlfriend dry.he stuck in his tongue- licked out some cum and said fuck this is better than pie.

Hickory dickory dock.dis bitch woz suckin me cock.da clock struck 2 i dumped me goo & dropped her at da end of da block!

Twinkle twinkle little rectum.big cocks cum when you least expect them.never mind the screams of passion.pop it up her doggy fashion!

Mary had a little lamb she kept it in da backyard.wen she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard!

Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore.Humpty Dumpy spunked on the floor and all the kings horses and all the kings men bent the bitch over and fucked her again!

Peter Peter Pumpkin eater.had a wife & liked to beat her.smacked her twice around da head. F**ked her arse & went 2 bed!

Jack & Jill went up the hill 2fetch a pale of water.we dont no wot they did up there but they came back wiv a daughter

Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon

jingle jangle silver bangle Im gonna fuck u from every angle.lipsy dipsy laalaa po if u give me a fuck i'll give u a blow!

Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!

Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed Den made a grunt- It sure aint u.u ungly cunt!

twinkle twinkle little knob how she likes it in her gob.wen she feels that certain twitch she pulls it out the spitful bitch!

Mary had a little bike her seat was back 2 front & every time she pulled the brakes the seat went up her cunt.

there was a young girl called alice, oo used dynamite as a phallus, they found her vagina in north, carolina and the rest of her womb up in dallas

There was a young man from kent.whos dick was terribly bent.to save any trouble he bent it up double instead of coming he went.

There was a young girl from down wick who asked her mum wot is a prick.she said oh Annie it goes up ur fanny & jumps up & down til its sick!

Ther once was a mouse called Keith.who circumsised boys with his teeth.it was'nt for leisure or sexual pleasure but to get to the cheese underneath.

There woz a young man named Dave.Who dug a dead whore from her grave.she woz mouldy as shit & missing a tit... but think of the money he saved!

There woz a young vampire named mabel.whos periods were highly unstable.every full moon shed pull out a spoon & drink herself under the table

There woz a young whore from crew who filled her vagina wiv glue.she said wiv a grin if dey pay 2 get in they'll pay 2 get out of it 2

wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead

Luv is a sensation dat is caused by temptation.a boy puts his location in a girls destination.do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?

Sex is good sex is fine.doggy style or 69.just for fun or gettin paid every1 likes getting laid!So txt me bak & wiv sum luck ull earn urself a scrumptious f**k

I like your style- I like your class- but most of all i like your arse!

Do you like maths?if so add a bed subtract ur clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!

ive lost my teddy bear.......do u want to sleep with me tonight?

I want triplets You want twins.Lets get in bed and see who wins!

Of all the babes ur my selection.please dont giv me a rejection.my teeth are clean for ur
Inspection so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

If your right leg was thanksgiving and Your left leg was Christmas could I meet U between the holidays?

Being a student is so much fun.wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues.if u be my teacher in how tongues flex.we'll both graduate in hot oral sex!

Roses are red.voilets are corny.when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!

What is the Maximum speed for sex?? 68 cuz wen u reach 69 u av 2 turn round..

hello baby drunk & gaggin,wots d story fancy shaggin,dont b scared its jus 4 fun & in d morning off u run.so if u want me in d sak hurry up n tx me bk!

Sex is evil and evil's a sin.but sins are forgiven so lets get stuck in!!

id grab u id bite u id really xcite u.id lic u id suc u id totally f**k u.ud b beggin 4 mercy& beggin 4 mor cz f***ing wiv me is neva a bore

Trick me lick me hold me kiss me.touch me tease me come and please me.when im stressed i need a press so come on baby do ur best!

LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!

Id fuck you standing Id fuck u lying.If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if u were dead ur not forgotten ill dig you up & fuck u rotten!

ill giv u kisses.ill giv u flowers,ill take u 2 bed & fuck u 4 hours.i promis u dis it wont be a bore.cos 1 nite wiv me & ull be bak 4 more!

Roses are red Pickles are green.I love your legs & whats in between!

lip lockin body rockin.dick suckin all nite fuckin.tongue teasin.hand pleasing.loads of lustin 2 much thrustin.now ur gaggin lets get shaggin!

roses r red poems r corny take me 2bed cos im feelin horny.wen roses r red they r ready 2b plucked.wen i c u nxt ur gonna get fucked!

There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?

The sky is blue the grass is green.the harder i fuck the louder the scream.the louder the scream the harder i fuck.so gimme a ring n u mite b in luck!

Oral sex is mighty fine lick me suck me 69 in a bush or in a bed either way i want some head!

itz not the length itz not the size itz not the way u make it rise itz not the knob that does the job it the flick of the dick that does the trick

Some fannies r tight & fit like a glove.Some fannies r loose & no good 2 love.but the way 4 lovin & keeping u fitter is rollin her over & bangin her shitter

Bak 2 bak front 2 front.on d table lick d cunt.stick it in do ur ting.do it hard & make her sing.tense ur body feel d cum den let it rip into her bum!

Luv me tender luv me sweet rap ur lips around my meat.watch & smile watch me grin watch ur cum drip down my chin!

kneel be4 him suk him slo.oh his c*ck is nice 2 blo.up n down along his knob.nice & gentle wiv ur gob.suk & lik his lovely prick n wen he cums swallow quick

lips r 4 snoggin.beds r 4 rockin.clits r 4 caresin.clothes r 4 undressin.ears r 4 licking.tits 4 sucking the clock is ticking so lets get fucking

Sex is real evil.sex is a sin.moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in.it cant last 4eva I no it’s a shame.dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

Be a lady Not a nun.Open wide and have some fun.Big or small.Thick or thin.Vasline will get it in

Beat me eat me bite my bum.whip me strip me make me cum.suck me fuck me and lick me out.then tickle my nipples until I shout!

boy says i luv u.U beleve its true.9months l8r he says 2 hell wiv u.D baby is a bastard.D mother is a whore.Nun of dis wood av happend if d rubber hadnt tore!

Shes down on her knees eager to please wiv a throb of his nob in her gob.Wiv a tingle in his belly his legs turn to jelly cos shes doin a fuckin good job!

Oral sex can b so fine.wen u do a 69.u start 2 shake moan & quiver.den u cum just like a river den u lick it up in vain wipe ur lips and start again!

roses r straight violets r twisted.bend over luv ur about 2 get fisted.roses make me laugh violets make me titter.ur a dirty cunt & u luv it up the shitter

Eat me beat me bite me blow me.suck me fuck me very slowly.if you kiss me dont be sassy use ur tongue and make it nasty!

Let it dribble let it flow.flip me over go real slow.slap me hard den pick up speed.a rite good fuck is what i need!

Roses are red Veins are blue.theres one in my dick waiting for you!

3 sisters.ann,jan &fanny all have big feet ,ann&jan go ona date ,1of the boys says "jesus u have big feet "ann replys "u should see our fannys theyre huge!

A cannibal is found crying next to a large pile of shit. Someone asks "whats Wrong?" The cannibal replies "I've just dumped my girlfriend"!!

2 OVARIES WERE TLKIN AND 1 SAID 2 THE OTHER R U GETTIN NE NEW FURNITURE THEN 1 HAD A PEEK OUT AND SAID WELL I WERNT EXPECTING NE BUT 2 NUTS R PUSHIN IN A BIG ORGAN!!

A MAN PULLS OUT A PACKET OF OLYMPIC COLOURED CONDOMS.HIS WIFE ASKS "CAN U WEAR THE SILVER 1 IT WOULD B NICE 4 U 2 COME 2ND 4 A CHANGE.

Worried mother gives her daughter a pack of condoms before a hot date. Girl laughs and hugs her mother -- "Times have changed, Mum. I'm dating Susan!

A woman goes into hospital for a fanny transplant...... But the surgeons can't start the opp, as the replacement CUNT is reading this message!!...

Essex girl enters sexshop & asks 4 a vibrator. Man sez- Pick from our range on de wall. Lady sez ill take de red 1. Man sez U CANT DATS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER!

"Dad what does a vagina look like before sex?" “A pink rose with lovely soft petals and a perfume aroma” "And after sex?" “Ever seen a bulldog eat mayonaise?”

man comes home & says 2 wife “look gold olimpic condoms...& im gonna wear the gold 1 2nite” wife says “coodnt u wear the silver 1 & come second for a change

tramp walks in2 a jewellers & casually starts 2 pick his own arse, shop assistant screams get out, tramp points 2 sign - COME IN AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT

A man said 2 his doctor ‘everytime I look in the mirror I get an erection' the doctor said 'That's because u look like a cunt!

MAN:Darling u have the face of a Saint WIFE:u say the sweetest things which saint? MAN:A f***ing St Bernard of course

Jelly Baby goes 2 the Dr & says "Dr i've got aids" Dr replys "U cant have aids ur a jelly Baby" Jelly Baby says "yes but Dr i've been shagging ALLSORTS!

chicken and egg in bed,chicken has head on pillow smoking.Egg rolls over pissed off saying"i guess we answered that question"

A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!

Little Girl:"Mommy I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut" Mommy:"u mean its small?"Little Girl:"No its salty"

an essex girl has a car crash and an ambulance arrives.the paramedic asks 'how many fingers have i got up?'the girl replies- oh shit i think im paralised too

BOY: mummy y u jumpin on daddy MUM:2 flaten his tummy BOY: but mummy it wont work MUM: y? BOY: cos the woman from nxt door cums in da mornin 2 blow him up again

a mad scientist makes a self lubricatin fanny & givs it 2 his wife.she asks "wot am i supposed 2 do with that?" he replies "teach it to cook & den fuck off!

Cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in d pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happy cock theres a wet pussy!

GIRL:y do cows look so depressd wen dey r being milkd? TEACHER:if u got up early every mornin & dey rubbed ur tits 4 2 hours & didnt fuck u wood u b pissed off

Bad wolf told red riding hood "lift up ur top so i can suck ur tits" "NO" she said lifting her skirt.."eat me like the book says!"

MUM: didnt i tell you that if a guy touches your boobs say DON’T & if he touches your pussy say STOP! GIRL: but mum he touched both so i said DONT STOP!

A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had a choice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter.2nd woz a poor cleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?da 1 wiv big tits!

A little boy goes 2 his mum & says 'mum how do u spell clitoris? she replys go & ask ur dad it was on the tip of his tongue las nte!

A cat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river but gets its paws wet.den it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigga da sausage da wetter da pussy