Honeymoon

A honey mooning couple are strolling along a wooded path when the new bride declares that she needs to have a piss. Go behind that bush says the husband but the bride is very embarrassed and will have none of it. A hundred meters down the path and she is off again. Go behind the bush declares the husband. But I'd feel embarrassed if I go behind the bush. Don't worry I will keep a look out. She runs behind the bush and assumes the position. The man can hear the sound of his new wifes silk white Knickers brushing past her bare skin on the way down and gets all aroused. He puts his hand through the bush and strokes her thigh. He moves up the thigh and stumbles accross something quite soft and about 4 inch's long... He jumps up and shouts "Fucking Hell have you changed your sex?" "No Darling, I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit"


Nasty Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." 
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. 
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. 
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. 
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" 
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." 
She asks, "Really? What's that?" 
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" 


Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my arse!" 


Date

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. 
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. 
"That's cool," says Bobby. 
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." 
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!" 
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. 
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" 


Dying Confession

Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." 
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." 
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." 
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father." 
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?" 


Gas Attack

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herselfa bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. 
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"


Sex Shop

A little old lady, well into her 80's, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk "Dddddooo yoouuu hhhavvvve dddddiilllldddoosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks "Ddddddooo yyyouuu hhhave aaa ppinnkk onnne, tttteennn iiinchesssss llllong aaaandddd tttwooo iinchesssss tttthicckkk?"
The clerk responds "Yes we do."
"Cccccann yyyouuu tttelll mmmeee hhhowww tttooo ttturnnn ttthe fffuccckkkkingggg ttthinggg offfffffffff?!"


Memory Lane

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go there again and i`ll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady`s hips and the little old lady then leans forward and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and dont move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The two old pensioners by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. Whats your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago? The pensioner replies " son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn`t electrified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter:"what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her:"what are you doing naked, woman? " She responds:"This is the dress of love."
And he said to her:"Well, go and iron it." 


Scouser

A scouser says to the prostitute "How much is it love?". She replies "25 quid" So the scouser says "Do it my way and i'll give ya 35 quid" The tart replies "What ways that then scouse?" He replies " errrrr 50p a week"


Great Sex Coupon

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"


Appointments

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Boat Ride

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to 
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Father and Son

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. 
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."


Firm This Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. 
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." 
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."


Amish Humor

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The
daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing
cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have
you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter
says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out."


Female to Male Translation

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW


Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She had let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie. In fact two. 
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in.
She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"


Honeymooners

A couple has returned from their honeymoon, and it was obvious to everyone that they were not talking to each other. The groom's best man took him aside and asked what was wrong. 
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." 
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" 
The groom nodded grimly and said, "I don't know if I can get over this, though - she gave me $20 change!"

Harley Davidson

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"


I Wanna Get Weighed

John took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."


Just like a baby

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. 
Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.
He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" 
"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 18 inches long!"


Code

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
" Shhhhh ! " said the bride " all the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'have you left the washing machine door open' instead ?
So the following night, the husband asks, " I dont suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you? " 
" No, I definately shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amerous herself and she nudged her husband and said , " I think i did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing? " 
" No thanks " said the husband
" It was only a small load so i did it by hand ."


Moth Exterminator

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. 
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."


Sex Talk

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two. 
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?" "Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead."


Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"


Suicidal Grandma

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


Tattooed Penis

There was this man and when ever he got his pay check his wife would go and spend it. So one day he went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis. So he went home and when his wife walked in the door he pulled down his pants and said," I want to see you blow this money"!


Ten Years Bad Luck

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"


Unfaithful Wife

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter....


Dwarfs

Two dwarfs decide to go out on the piss one night then pick up a couple of prostitutes and take them to a hotel to shag them silly. The first part of the plan goes ok as they have a bloody good drink and pick up two very high class and very attractive women of the night. They get them back to to a hotel where the two dwarfs each take a room ( they might have been horny but they weren't into group sex). unfortunately due to the amount of alcohol consumed and a fair amount of nerves one of the dwarfs just could not rise to the occasion. to make matters worse all he could hear from the next room was his mate shouting at the top of voice. . . . . "one-two-three- urgggh........one-two-three-urggggggh......one-two-three uuuuurrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa.
The next morning the dwarf and his mate are at breakfast and although he doesn't want to discuss it he feels compelled to tell the truth when his mate asked him how it went last night. So he tell him all about his complete failure in the bedroom and how it was the most embarrasing moment of his life.
His mate puts down his knife and fork. looks him straight in the eye and says " jeez you think you were embarrased, i could't even get on the bed"


Three Times a Lady

A middle-aged man and woman met, fell in love and got married. On their wedding night they settled into the bridal suite and the wife said to her new husband, "Please promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
"But how can that be?" the startled husband said. "You've been married three times before."
"Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was.... God, I miss him!"


Grandpa

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?" he asked.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."


Honeymoon

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. 
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." 
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" 
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish." 
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex." 
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..." 
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex." 
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea and you know how I love to fish..." 
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that." 
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."


Dinner Date

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


Post Man

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. 
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. 
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. 
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. 
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" 
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." 
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." 
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." 


Research

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. 
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. 
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of $76.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him on the forehead.


Cute

A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room. Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is the apple of his eye. So
naturally, he's worried sick about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.
The girl opens it. "Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?" "Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word. "Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue." "Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.
"Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."
"Oh, I know..." says the lad. "...great pair of tits too!"


3 newlywed wives

Three recently married couples spend their honeymoon's first night in the same hotel. The next morning the three woman meet in the hall and decide to have breakfast together and to gossip about their wedding night, although one of them claims she won't be eating anything. The first starts enthusiastic, "Last night my husband put his whole hand inside me!" The second bride, not surprised at all, proudly takes her turn at once, "Mhuh... my husband put his whole arm inside me!" Then, both women look at the third one who, although moving very clumsily, stares at them with ambiguous satisfaction in her whole body, looks down on her hip and cries out to it, "Hey John, come out and say hello to Sarah and Pam!"


Train

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. 
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out, with a glint in his eye, and says "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. 
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."


Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything 
DIFFERENT?" Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." 
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a hat." 


Intercom

The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach. 
The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit. 
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"
By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna fuck her brains out all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face and the aforementioned tits.
The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shit first!"