Missing Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife
when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"


Heavenly Justice

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It
was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the
temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three
hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He
should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and
landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God andsaid, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"


Wrong Digit

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of
the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch.
She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."


Golf Ball

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball
out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!"
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway,
smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's
incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."


Round of Golf

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking
around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he
was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her
and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender
if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales
profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped hishands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to
roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his
pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


Skiing

Three guys go to a ski lodge but there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the
right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's
had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"