I've come from another planet to seek out beautiful life forms.
Is that because your race is so ugly?

I've lost my script, so we'll have to ad-lib.
I don't think much of your part, anyway.

Keep it up - you're doing well.
I wish I could say the same for you.

Let me put some fizz into your life.
OK, start by fixing my Sodastream.

Let's skip the awkward beginning and pretend that we have known each other for a while. So, how's your Mum?
She told me I wasn't to see you any more.

Listen, I want to tell you something . . . I'm not wearing any underwear.
Don't worry - there's a shop just round the corner where you can get some.

Look, I won't beat about your bush, I just want to get something fairly big between us.
How about the Atlantic Ocean?

My ideal woman has to have a great sense of humour.
That will have to be the only sense she has.

Nobody I know can tell me who you are, but I'm sure I've seen you before.
Why don't you take that ugly mask off so that I can see what you look like?

People think I'm a policeman because of the size of my love truncheon.
Yes, I remember 'Inch High Private Eye'.

Quick, the lights are coming back on in a minute. Kiss me.
No. I'm your wife.

What's it like being the most attractive person here?
You'll never know.

What's the best way to get into your affections?
Via the North Pole.

Why don't you come home with me instead?
I've got an electric chair.

Would you like to come back to my place for a bacardi and grope?
Just a gin and platonic, please.

Would you mind if I take a lock of your hair?
Why, are you trying to stuff a mattress?

You probably think I'm mad coming up to you like this, but I have this strange urge to buy you a drink.
I don't want anything to do with your strange urges.

You're most beautiful looking person I've ever seen.
So what makes you think I would want to talk to you, then?

You've got a smile that could light up a whole town.
You've got a mouth that could accommodate a whole town.

What radio station would you like me to switch on in the morning?
Hospital radio.

What time would you like me to set the alarm for in the morning?
I don't care. My boyfriend always gets me up.

Ring me sometime. Must dash now, but here's my number.
Don't you have a name?

Shall we go somewhere quieter?
No need - I've got some earmuffs you can borrow.

The doctor said I should release my fluids regularly. Would you mind if I used your body as a receptacle?
I'll lend you a cup.

Very difficult getting served here. What are you having in case I get served first?
An attack of nausea.

Virtually everyone here is ugly except you.
Well you're so ugly I bet your psychiatrist makes you lie face down on the couch.

Wasn't that you on the cover of Cosmo?
Yes, but I've finished sitting on it now. Want to borrow it?

Weren't you at the party last week?
Yes. And I haven't changed my mind since then, I'm afraid.

It must be my birthday because the sight of you is the most important gift I've ever had.
What about your natural gift for repulsing women?

It's funny, I know I'm a bit drunk, well, very drunk, but I'm sure I know you from somewhere. Any chance of a kiss?
Hello Dad.

It's great that we met here tonight. Why don't we meet up again?
Because I don't want to.

It's OK, we can be together tonight. I've given my girlfriend the evening off.
What for, good behaviour?

I've been given a couple of tickets for the play on Thursday - do you want to come?
Only if you give me both of them.

If I could dance, I'd ask you to dance, but I can't. If I could sail, I'd take you sailing, but I can't. However, I'm the father of twelve kids.
How about it?

If I had known I was going to meet someone as amazingly lovely as you, I'd have had my nostrils plucked.
And if I'd known I was going to meet someone as ugly as you, I'd have had my eyeballs plucked.

If the world was an apple, you'd be the juicy pip, and I'd like to suck it.
The world isn't an apple. It's a planet,and planets don't have pips.

If we went on a date, how would you describe me to your friends?
If I was desperate enough to date you, I wouldn't have any friends.

If you go out with me I'll treat you even better than my sports car.
What, a good servicing every ten thousand miles or every ten months, whichever comes first?

If you kiss me I promise not to turn into a frog.
Why would I want to kiss you, then?

I think we should leave together for the sake of the other women. . . you're making them look ugly.
Good idea. You're making the men look too good.

I feel like I already know you because I've undressed you completely in my mind. Nice body - I'd like to see more.
I did the same, but I wasn't impressed.

I haven't done this sort of thing before. I want you to teach me.
OK, you go out of that door, close it gently behind you, and go away.

I know a great way to burn off the calories in that sandwich you've just eaten.
Yes, me too, and it involves running away from you.

I like every muscle in my body.
Especially yours.

I like the way you dye your roots brown.
At least I've got roots.

I bet you a drink that you won't kiss me.
You win. Here's a drink.

I bet you my car that you won't have sex with me.
You win. Here's my car key.

I bet you my chest that you won't take your bra off.
Sorry, I'm not playing anymore.

I bet you my watch that you won't let me grope you.
You win. Here's my watch.

Hi, look, I'm not going to be able to date you tomorrow night, so why don't we squeeze one in tonight instead?
By the looks of you I doubt that it would be much of a squeeze.

Hi. I'm a tenor.
Sorry, I've only got a fiver.

Hi. I'm on a computer date, actually, but the computer hasn't shown up. Do you want to join me instead?
No, I never date men with tiny peripherals.

How about coming back to my place for a bit of heavy breathing?
Why, is the lift broken?

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Don't know.
Nor me. Been waiting for someone to tell me, actually.

Feel a muscle, any muscle.
All these curves, and me with no brakes.

Going my way? Can I walk with you?
You can walk near me.

Have you ever tried drinking Australian wine?
What else would I be doing with it?

Excuse me, I want to be served by the most attractive waitress. You do work here, don't you?
No, I just serve pizzas for fun.

Excuse me, I'm new around here. Can you give me directions to your bedroom?
I'm not very good with directions. You'd better ask my boyfriend.

Excuse me, is your body real?
No. You have to inflate it through my mouth every ten minutes.

Excuse me, were you looking at me just then?
Yes, I thought from a distance you were good looking. Sorry, I forgot my glasses.

Excuse me, would you help me with an itch that I can't reach?
Sure, just rub it against the lock on my chastity belt.

Excuse me: I don't normally talk to strange women in the street, but I'm on my way to confession and I'm a bit short of material.
Try the draper's shop.

Fancy a champagne breakfast?
Yes please. Get it delivered to me tomorrow.

Fancy a swim?
l can't swim, so shall we jump straight to the bit where you resuscitate me?

Don't drink the beer here. It's awful. Try my saliva instead.
Got any nuts?

Don't go - you'll never find anyone like me again.
I certainly hope not.

Don't go away - I'm just going to put the kettle on.
Are you sure it will fit you?

Do you want to go clubbing with me?
Great, where can we find some seals?

Do you have the number for heaven?
Why?
It looks like they've lost an angel.

Do you kiss with your eyes closed?
I would if I were kissing you.

Can you see me in your future?
No. You're already in my past.

Congratulations! You've won first prize in a competition: a date with me!
Oh. What was second prize? Two dates with you?

Didn't we used to be lovers?
Yes. I left you because you have an infuriating memory problem.
I don't remember that.

Are you a miner?
No.
Oh, so that's not a pickaxe in your pocket?

Are you a policeman, or am I wrong in thinking that's a truncheon?
Both . . . I am a policeman, and it's not a truncheon.

Are you as hot as me?
I'm fine actually, but perhaps you should get some air to your brain by undoing your flies?